Finding Calm Amidst Chaos

Finding Calm Amidst Chaos: A Journey Through Grief and Purpose As my trip to Mumbai nears its end, I find myself reflecting on the mix of emotions this visit has stirred within me. Mumbai has always been a place of comfort, a home that wraps me in its familiarity. Yet, this time, that sense of solace was intertwined with waves of anxiety. Even so, being surrounded by family and friends brought a sense of calm I didn’t anticipate. Their presence has been a steady anchor, grounding me in moments when grief feels overwhelming. This trip has also been a step forward in fulfilling a promise I made to myself—a promise to honor Sana. I took the first steps in starting Sana’s book project, a labor of love that has been on my mind for months. With my cousins by my side for support, I visited the printers to finalize details like the color scheme, size, and content. This book will be a timeline of Sana’s life, a collection of memories and photos that celebrate her journey. Initiating this project feels like a small but significant way of keeping her memory alive. At the same time, life moves forward in other ways. We’re planning a celebration for Maahir and Serena once I return to the U.S. This trip, unlike those in the past, hasn’t been about shopping for Sana. Instead, my focus has shifted to Maahir and Serena. While this brings joy, it also stirs a sense of sadness and guilt. Am I forgetting Sana? These thoughts weigh on me, especially when I see how others grieve so openly. A friend in Singapore, who also lost her daughter, often posts pictures and heartfelt messages about her on social media. Her expressions of pain feel like a mirror to my own. Sometimes, I wonder if focusing on the pain of others is my way of numbing my own. Grief is a strange and unpredictable journey. It reshapes how you see the world and yourself. In these moments of reflection, I remind myself that honoring Sana isn’t just about looking back; it’s also about moving forward with the love she left behind. As I prepare to leave Mumbai, I carry with me a heart full of mixed emotions—grief and guilt, but also gratitude and purpose. Sana’s book is a reminder that her story, her light, and her love will always be a part of my life. And while I navigate this complex path, I hold on to the belief that every step I take, no matter how small, is a way of keeping her with me.