Guilt

When the doctors told us that nothing more could be done for Sana, it felt like the ground had been pulled from under us. The words "palliative care" seemed like a cold, clinical reality, but behind them lay the devastating truth: Sana’s time was running out. In those final moments, she was moved to a different room, and the process began. They extubated her and essentially allowed her to drift away. To this day, I struggle with the memories of that time. I remember standing there, telling her it was okay to go, that she didn’t need to hold on any longer. But beyond that, the details are a blur. I was there, holding her hand as she took her last breath, yet it feels as though it all happened in a dream. The reality of those moments is almost too overwhelming to grasp. The guilt that accompanies these memories is profound. How did I come to accept waiting for her to die? How did I manage to stay by her side during her final moments, when my heart was breaking into a thousand pieces? It’s almost as if my mind had to block out those details to help me cope with the unbearable trauma of losing her. As I try to piece together those final days, the guilt resurfaces stronger than ever. I find myself questioning how I managed to go through it all, how I held it together in such an unimaginable situation. The reality of these moments, the raw, unfiltered emotions, are now more palpable than ever, and the weight of that guilt is heavy. Grief and trauma often create a fog that obscures our memories, but as time passes and we reflect, the clarity can bring new waves of pain. It's a reminder that our minds do what they need to in order to survive, often at the expense of our emotional clarity. And as we begin to face those memories again, the feelings of guilt and confusion can be overwhelming. Today, I acknowledge that coping with the trauma of losing a child is a long and complex journey. The guilt and pain may never fully disappear, but recognizing and confronting these feelings is part of the healing process. It’s a testament to the depth of our love and the magnitude of our loss.