Finding faith and strength in the midst of loss

Finding Faith and Strength in the Midst of Loss I woke up with a heavy heart today. It was one of those difficult days where the weight of grief felt particularly unbearable. To cope, I decided to go for a long walk, listening to my playlist and visiting the places and engaging in the activities that Sana loved best. As I walked, my thoughts turned inward, and I felt the urge to share what was on my mind. I grew up in a family that was deeply spiritual and had a strong connection to God. All my life, I have prayed regularly, and my prayers were often for the well-being of my children and parents. When Sana was first diagnosed with liver damage due to EBV, I prayed fervently for her recovery, hoping she wouldn't need a transplant. But she did. We went through the process, and though it came with complications, I thought it was a miracle that she received a new liver. Sana came home, only to be diagnosed with PTLD—something the doctors assured us was very curable. I thought, "It's okay; we caught it in time and it can be treated." But then it spread aggressively, and there was no hope. I found myself at a loss for what to pray for anymore. My baby was gone, and no amount of prayers could bring her back. Since then, I have been unable to pray. It's not out of anger or disappointment but because I feel I have nothing left to pray for. Sana, on the other hand, was spiritual but not necessarily religious. She had her own unique connection with God. The true miracle, I realized, was that throughout these past few months, I never saw fear in Sana's eyes. Her resilience and strength seemed to come from her spirituality. Or perhaps it was the product of all our prayers. Now, I find myself at a crossroads, unsure of how to move forward. How do I reconcile this profound loss with the belief that there was a reason or a higher purpose behind it? Walking today, lost in these thoughts, I realized that my faith is shaken but not broken. The strength I saw in Sana, her unwavering calm and resilience, was a testament to something greater. Maybe it was the result of our collective prayers, or maybe it was her own inner strength.